Last Ten Seconds
by NaniWise
Summary: IW SPOILERS. The brain still functions a little while after death. Loki's thoughts before he fades away.


(I own nothing and I hope you enjoy. Good at and God bless.)

Was it wrong?

Am I still a disappointment?

I look to you and I see the fear, the anger, the pain in your familiar features.

Brother, is it because you are good at heart and do not wish to see anyone suffer or is it my fault?

I've always felt it. That pain, that guilt, that shame. I know I am a disappointing, useless, pathetic child who's been at fault for most things. For so long I've despised this fate and yet right now, in this moment, putting the past behind me, I hope it is the latter.

Though it is selfish, I hope I am the cause of those negative feelings.

It's not that I wish you to be consumed by them like I once was. It's just that, perhaps unconsciously, I feared that when my death came, you'd feel nothing. I feared I had tarnished my being so far that when it was finally time, you'd laugh, you'd smile with friends and tell them I got what I deserved.

I was so scared, Thor. I didn't realize it until now.

That is probably what brought me to this'd point to begin with.

You are right. All my life, I've been a coward. I've blamed my every problem and misfortune on others.

I was cowardly and weak. You, father, everyone was right about me.

I hated everyone for thinking the truth of me. I hated myself because, deep down, I knew it. It didn't feel good, and yet it was involuntary, like self destruction, like going up against a villain I knew I couldn't defeated.

Yet, perhaps, just this once its not a battle of strength. I know that may be hard for someone like you to understand.

Perhaps it was not about defeating this evil but, at last, gaining the courage to face him.

Did you think I forgot?

Did you think I forgot what you said on that wretched gambler's planet?

You saw my faults and yet you saw past them. You saw that I could be more. You, being one of the most idiotic people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, had the audacity to believe in me.

Call it just another sign of your stupidity but I soon realized, to my great surprise and horror, that you were the first.

You were the first to believe in a cowardly failure like myself.

I don't think you have any idea what that meant to me.

For centuries I have watched from the shadows as you and your friends returned from battle in the heat of victory. You and your friends were exhausted, injured, starving, and yet you laughed. You smiled and told your stories with a drink in hand. You saw each other as equals, as comrades. You were proud to serve next to each other because of their bravery and courage.

I had killed and fought with you, but I was never part of this afterglow.

Unknowingly, was I jealous?

I wanted so much, too much. I tried to win people's respect by trickery and force, the one thing I could never have in my selfish ways.

I was a coward who refused to take that step, to face my enemies head on and be worthy of that respect.

But it was only when that man threatened to kill you right in front of me that I realized something.

I was done. I couldn't stand another battle fought and won where I just stood back and watched.

It used to be so easy to put myself before others. To let others get hurt, to die, to distance them from myself as long as I got to live.

I know. I am a narcissist who values my own safety above all else, so drunk on self love and selfishness one might think I was a child still.

But in those few moments when I almost let you die for something as feeble as a reflex, I realized something. I don't know how, but in my heart, I valued your life more than mine.

I realized and then I saw.

I just couldn't do it again.

So please, know that it did hurt. Know that it was the only thing in a long long while that I've done right.

Let these feelings hurt for a short moment but let that moment end.

Even if it is at the gates of Valhalla, I want to smile and laugh with you and your friends.

I want you to see me as an equal.

That was all I ever wanted.

And know that really, I did love you.

Please know this.

Please don't be disappointed.

Just this once, please don't be disappointed in me.

Brother.

Thor.


End file.
